Friday, March 28, 2008

Top Ten laffy taffy jokes

What do you call an avid gardener?
-- Herb

Why do fish live in salt water?
--because pepper makes them sneeze

What did the man say when the picture fell on his head?
-- I've been framed!

Why did they bury the battery?
-- Because it was dead.

What do you call a crab who plays baseball?
-- a pinch-hitter

What do sneezes wear on their feet?
-- ahh-shoes

What do you do when you have no rubber bands?
-- find a plastic orchestra

What did the plate say to the other plate?
-- lunch is on me.

What's brown and sticky?
-- a stick

What's red and not there?
-- no tomatoes

(Sponsored by: http://verycornyjokes.blogspot.com/ )

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

How to use the rebate

As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China . If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will all go to India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala, if we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America.

Put your ad here!

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

Top Twenty Composers

1. Ludwig Van Beethoven - 1770-1827
2. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart - 1756-1791
3. Johann Sebastian Bach - 1685-1750
4. Richard Wagner - 1813-1883
5. Joseph Haydn - 1732-1809
6. Johannes Brahms - 1833-1897
7. Franz Schubert - 1797-1828
8. Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky - 1840-1893
9. George Frideric Handel - 1685-1759
10. Igor Stravinsky - 1882-1971

11. Robert Schumann - 1810-1856
12. Frederic Chopin - 1810-1849
13. Felix Mendelssohn - 1809-1847
14. Claude Debussy - 1862-1918
15. Franz Liszt - 1811-1886
16. Antonin Dvorak - 1841-1904
17. Giuseppe Verdi - 1813-1901
18. Gustav Mahler - 1860-1911
19. Hector Berlioz - 1803-1869
20. Antonio Vivaldi - 1678-1741

Top Ten Exercises

1.Best for chest: the push-up
2.Best for glutes: the squat
3.Best for abs: the bicycle manoeuvre
4.Best for back: the lateral pull-down
5.Best for upper arms: the triceps kickback
6.Best for hamstrings: the step-up, quadruped or ball curl
7.Best for thighs: the squat or lunge
8.Best for waist: the side bridge
9.Best for hips: the single-leg squat
10.Best for shoulders: the lateral shoulder raise

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Top Ten Comedians

1.George Carlin
2.Lenny Bruce
3.Jerry Seinfeld
4.Bill Cosby
5.Steven Wright
6.Brian Regan
7.Robert Klein
8.Craig Ferguson
9.Jackie Mason
10.Woody Allen

Tax Time

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year"

"Chicken Farmer it is."

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Top Ten Presidents

1. Washington

2. Lincoln

3. Franklin Roosevelt

4. Harry Truman

5. Thomas Jefferson

6. T. Roosevelt

7. A. Jackson

8. Reagan

9. W. Wilson

10. Eisenhower

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

(Time) Top Ten Gadgets

1. apple iphone
2. Nikon Coolpix S51c
3.
Netgear SPH200W Wi-Fi Skype Phone
4. Palm Centro
5.
Sony Handycam HDR-CX7
6. Samsung P2
7. Toshiba Portégé R500-S5004
8. FlyTech Dragonfly
9.
Iomega eGo Portable Hard Drive
10. Belkin N1 Vision Wi-Fi Router

Monday, March 10, 2008

Top Ten Baseball Players fantasy picks 2008

1. A-rod
2. David Wright
3. Hanley Ramirez
4. Jose Reyes
5. Matt Holiday
6. Johan Santana
7. Jimmy Rollins
8. Miguel Cabrera
9. Ryan Braun
10. Albert Pujols

Top Ten Inventors

1. Thomas Edison 1847-1931

Edison

The first great invention developed by Thomas Edison was the tin foil phonograph. A prolific producer, Edison is also know for his work with lightbulbs, electricity, film and audio devices, and much more.

2. Alexander Graham Bell 1847-1869

Alexander Graham Bell

In 1876, at the age of 29, Alexander Graham Bell invented his telephone. Among one of his first innovations after the telephone was the "photophone," a device that enabled sound to be transmitted on a beam of light.

3. George Washington Carver 1864-1943

George Washington Carver was an agricultural chemist who invented three hundred uses for peanuts and hundreds more uses for soybeans, pecans and sweet potatoes; and changed the history of agriculture in the south.

4. Eli Whitney 1765-1825

Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin in 1794. The cotton gin is a machine that separates seeds, hulls and other unwanted materials from cotton after it has been picked.

5. Johannes Gutenberg 1394-1468

Johannes Gutenberg was a German goldsmith and inventor best known for the Gutenberg press, an innovative printing machine that used movable type.

6. John Logie Baird 1888-1946

John Logie Baird is remembered as the inventor of mechanical television (an earlier version of television). Baird also patented inventions related to radar and fiber optics.

7. Benjamin Franklin 1706-1790

Benjamin Franklin invented the lightning rod, the iron furnace stove or 'Franklin Stove', bifocal glasses, and the odometer.

8. Henry Ford 1863-1947

Henry Ford improved the "assembly line" for automobile manufacturing, received a patent for a transmission mechanism, and popularized the gas-powered car with the Model-T.

9. James Naismith 1861-1939

James Naismith was a Canadian physical education instructor who invented basketball in 1891.

10. Herman Hollerith 1860-1929

Herman Hollerith invented a punch-card tabulation machine system for statistical computation. Herman Hollerith's great breakthrough was his use of electricity to read, count, and sort punched cards whose holes represented data gathered by the census-takers. His machines were used for the 1890 census and accomplished in one year what would have taken nearly ten years of hand tabulating.

(http://inventors.about.com/od/inventorsalphabet/tp/popularinventor.htm)

Top Ten Rock Songs


1 Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven
2 The Who - Won't Get Fooled Again
3 Jimi Hendrix - Purple Haze
4 The Beatles - Something
5 Steppenwolf - Born to be Wild
6 The Doors - Light My Fire
7 Rolling Stones- I Can't Get No (Satisfaction)
8 Jethro Tull - Locomotive Breath
9 Yes - Roundabout
10 Cream - Badge

MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
Put your ad here!
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

top ten classical pieces



10 Piano Sonata No 8 (Pathetique) Beethoven Gorgeous melodies, daring
modulations, subtle textures, typical Beethoven. See my Pop songs list
for another appearance of the slow movement of this wonderful sonata
9 Piano Concerto No 2 Sergey Rachmaninov Extravagant, hyper-emotional,
intense. Music lovers of subtlety say the Third and Fourth concertos
run rings around this one. Their problem is they've heard the Second
so many times and, though they admire it, they can't escape the
uncomfortable feeling that it's a bit vulgar. But it's just the stuff
for a sentimentalist like me. On one occasion I was the support act
for a folk duo. I did some folk, pop and novelty songs on piano and
guitar, but threw in an excerpt from the piano solo in the last
movement of this concerto. Not really to Rubinstein's standard, but I
bet he never played it beside works by Neil Young and Ralph McTell.
8 Enigma Variations Elgar I've chosen this because it's so English.
Predictably my favorite is Nimrod, which, like the preceding entry,
majors on emotion. It has the famous Romantic tone-poem profile:
emerging almost imperceptibly from silence, slow crescendo to huge
climax then quickly dying. It's in 3/4 too, which must pull some extra
emotional strings. But explanation takes you only so far. It's
sublime. Here's a page on the people portrayed in the Enigma
Variations, and here's one on the enigma itself. Personally, I go for
the theory that the hidden theme is Rule Britannia but this is
probably more a demonstration of perceptual set than reason. The first
time I heard this theory, I noticed that you can sing "Never, never,
ne...." from Rule Britannia's chorus to the first few notes of the
opening theme (in Nimrod too). Now I can't shake the association.
7 Ninth Symphony, "From The New World" Antonin Dvorak Dvorak's gift
was to weave his own patterns in the cloth of indigenous music. Just
as he earlier drew on the melodic and rhythmic nuances of Czech folk
music, here he adopted American scales and rhythms within a
classical/romantic european frame. But all the melodies are his, even
the Hovis-advert theme in the second movement, which, rather than
being a traditional spiritual, became one retroactively through
popular misunderstanding. Whether tapping into some subconscious
musical cues, or just persuaded by the title, I have always associated
this work with the American landscape. Strangely, though, in my mind
picture, it's always raining. Perhaps Dvorak's european melancholia is
the real attraction of the piece.
6 Sixth Symphony (Pathetique) Pyotr Illiyich Tchaikovsky The first
movement is a display of composerly virtuosity with clever melodies,
developments and modulations, but the really great part is the ending,
which is unexpected and strangely haunting. I like the funky 5/4
movement, though I wouldn't go an adjective further than funky. A
remarkably clever and exciting third movement: Here's a description.
But the last has a profound emotional resonance for me, and perhaps
should pull this one higher up my list.
5 Fifth Symphony Beethoven Beethoven's fifth manages to survive two
levels of over-popularity. First, it's better known overall than just
about anything else he wrote. Though it's one of his best, that's
probably an undeserved imbalance, and lists like this do nothing to
help. Second, there are many times more people who recognize the first
few phrases of the first movement than recognize the rest (despite the
ubiquitous rhythmic motif). Yet the second and fourth movements are
the truly wonderful parts of the work, the latter emerging glorious
from a moody undertow not once, but twice. The ambiguous nature of the
final movement -- emphatic yet backtracking -- gives it a fascination
and intensity that exceed the simple joy of the ninth symphony. Even
the coda stutters at first.
4 Messiah Handel Easily my favorite choral work. Some gorgeous
melodies. The tonic chord with the seventh in the bass a few bars from
the end of the Amen chorus always sends a shiver down my spine. I
prefer Malcolm Sargent's Mozart-like arrangements to a "authentic"
version. I'm sure Handel would have used a lot more noise if he'd had
it. Also, I find the more authentic the version, the more determined
they are to get through pieces like Oh Thou That Tellest Good Tidings
to Zion at light speed.
3 Jesu, joy of man's desiring Bach Balance of choir and instrument,
harmony and melody. Musical perfection.
2 Sixth Symphony Beethoven Another Beethoven hit. Masterful first
movement, gorgeous second (I even like the bird noises). Best storm
music ever, despite the annoying piccolo. Final movement wonderful.
1 Cantique de Jean Racine Faure Breathtakingly beautiful. In French or
English.

(taken from http://www.intuac.com/cgi-bin/topten.cgi?0)

Bob and the Blonde

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large Building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.