Top Ten laffy taffy jokes

What do you call an avid gardener?
-- Herb

Why do fish live in salt water?
--because pepper makes them sneeze

What did the man say when the picture fell on his head?
-- I've been framed!

Why did they bury the battery?
-- Because it was dead.

What do you call a crab who plays baseball?
-- a pinch-hitter

What do sneezes wear on their feet?
-- ahh-shoes

What do you do when you have no rubber bands?
-- find a plastic orchestra

What did the plate say to the other plate?
-- lunch is on me.

What's brown and sticky?
-- a stick

What's red and not there?
-- no tomatoes

(Sponsored by: http://verycornyjokes.blogspot.com/ )

How to use the rebate

As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China . If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will all go to India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala, if we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America.

Put your ad here!

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

Top Twenty Composers

1. Ludwig Van Beethoven - 1770-1827
2. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart - 1756-1791
3. Johann Sebastian Bach - 1685-1750
4. Richard Wagner - 1813-1883
5. Joseph Haydn - 1732-1809
6. Johannes Brahms - 1833-1897
7. Franz Schubert - 1797-1828
8. Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky - 1840-1893
9. George Frideric Handel - 1685-1759
10. Igor Stravinsky - 1882-1971
11. Robert Schumann - 1810-1856
12. Frederic Chopin - 1810-1849
13. Felix Mendelssohn - 1809-1847
14. Claude Debussy - 1862-1918
15. Franz Liszt - 1811-1886
16. Antonin Dvorak - 1841-1904
17. Giuseppe Verdi - 1813-1901
18. Gustav Mahler - 1860-1911
19. Hector Berlioz - 1803-1869
20. Antonio Vivaldi - 1678-1741

Top Ten Exercises

1.Best for chest: the push-up
2.Best for glutes: the squat
3.Best for abs: the bicycle manoeuvre
4.Best for back: the lateral pull-down
5.Best for upper arms: the triceps kickback
6.Best for hamstrings: the step-up, quadruped or ball curl
7.Best for thighs: the squat or lunge
8.Best for waist: the side bridge
9.Best for hips: the single-leg squat
10.Best for shoulders: the lateral shoulder raise

Top Ten Comedians

1.George Carlin
2.Lenny Bruce
3.Jerry Seinfeld
4.Bill Cosby
5.Steven Wright
6.Brian Regan
7.Robert Klein
8.Craig Ferguson
9.Jackie Mason
10.Woody Allen

Tax Time

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year"

"Chicken Farmer it is."

The Top Ten Presidents

1. Washington

2. Lincoln

3. Franklin Roosevelt

4. Harry Truman

5. Thomas Jefferson

6. T. Roosevelt

7. A. Jackson

8. Reagan

9. W. Wilson

10. Eisenhower